Energy Forecast Blog

Hi, it's been awhile since I've blogged and I have so much to say. Since we last spoke, at least on my website or my newsletter or even my substack, I feel like we've all been navigating a wormhole of a turbulent timeline, or at least trying not to sink in some sort of internal chaos. And I feel this timeline deserves a little bit more light shed on it, so here's my take, my experience and my bone to pick or at least unpack. And to be totally honest, I think I truly owe it to my clients and my supporters, so I hope you take some time to read it all when you're ready.

I want to specifically talk about the mind fuck that is healing narcissistic abuse and developing any level of psychic gifts while your life is on display for the entire general public. My experience as an influencer and public healer has been five years worth of insidiously slipping into DARVO—Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender—and steady isolation to the point of no return. All in the name of healing and all things Piscean, I guess. ((Which is quite frankly a mind fuck in itself because, wasn't it my goal to heal from all of that when I started this platform? Hmm...True. True.))

There have been times when I've wondered, was this change good or bad? Because they say you don’t necessarily “survive” traumatic things, but rather, you die in them and a new person emerges. And this most recent resurrection felt like being reborn in my abusers mask. And everyone fell for it. To be totally honest, I’ve never been targeted or positioned as a narcissist, a jealous person, or a liar before, ever in my life, not until the past few years. Were we all in DARVO? Or a mirror?

The thing about empaths and psychological abuse survivors is that, we’re almost always struggling with the truth because of the distorted realities we've survived. And coercive abuse is such a sneaky double-sided entrapment process that, by the time you get out of it, you're trapped, bound, chained to a process of survivalism, so far from the freedom you sought, just to protect yourself from it happening again.

So when it comes to my mission as a healer--resurrecting the truth and the authenticity of a psychologically abused empath--the challenge isn’t just accessing that authenticity and finding the courage to put yourself out there, it’s figuring out how to maintain it when you're still trying to figure out how to navigate a world full of lies. And to be fair, most people don't understand how debilitating that is to those who aren't just genuinely, honest people, but people who've also been deliberately tied to manipulators their whole lives.

It's a mind fuck.

So here’s a bit of my experience with that latter challenge, the maintenance part, through psychic gift development and collective healing work—

For starters, imagine being sexually open, for over a decade, but all of a sudden questioning that because of the eyes on you—new eyes, eyes that don’t know anything about you, eyes that haven’t seen you in years, decades, and eyes that are committed to misinterpreting your every move.

Then factor this in all of this—you just picked yourself back up from ground zero, you have no support, navigating early sobriety, you have no friends to call to bounce this off of, funds are tight for a therapist or healer, everyone’s baggage is your workload, and your daily life revolves around introspection and clearing, clearing a channel that’s been overloaded with narcissistic narratives about you since birth.

Anticipating someone else’s reaction was nothing new for me, that was my survival mechanism since childhood. Morphing to be enough or what someone else needed was habitual but also a process that any mental health advocate knew needed active and consistent breaking and transformation.

But to begin to question my own self-acceptance about my sexuality, my own identity, now that was raw, that was cruel, that was…not me. I didn’t have an issue with it. I wasn’t embarrassed. I wasn’t afraid of it. I wasn't necessarily hiding from it. I was definitely overcoming poverty consciousness and agoraphobia, at the very least. And at the most, navigating memories and soul journeys into very visceral sexual traumas. But I wasn't scared of or embarrassed by my sexuality, by any means.

So why was I...was, I guess I was…defending myself? Why was I defending myself? And why was I months to years into this process of defending myself? I looked guilty. What? I was the victim though. I was the victim and I was angry. And I was not realizing just how much I had slipped into a position of being the target of heavy narcissistic judgement and homophobia. How did this happen? DARVO. Fuck. 

This was the challenge of a mystic. I was developing an elevated conscious awareness of the psyche and inner workings of not only victims, but perpetrators, abusers, candidates for psychopathologies I did not have a doctorate to be using the terminology or directives surrounding, only a Bachelors of Science. But I was being forced into their experiences and to navigate their processes, alone. They were ghosts and they were haunting me and my psyche was capable of too much. It was touching too much. I was being touched too much. It was simply, too much.

About three years ago I'd developed this program--A Journey Through the Chakras--and I had a whole process for self-healing--from activation to rebalancing and unblocking to reintegration after upgrades for each of the chakras. I taught it a few times to a few small groups but I got so trapped in the development of honestly guru level, mysticism and shamanic journeying on my own path, that I stopped teaching it and I forgot the basics. Not a Guru move, snickers to self and shakes head.

So I recently returned to it, for my own sake.

This course work has done wonders to help me ground and work through heavy soul retrieval processes as a practitioner, but these challenges did not begin overnight and they wouldn't end over a seven week process on my own, going through each chakra, each week. And to be honest, it is the same for everyone who is on this journey, no matter their experience or practice level. These processes of spiritual awakening, conscious expansion and energetic realignment, they deepen as you deepen, they get harder and they stretch you. They deepen as you deepen. Ego death, rebirth, reintegration, over and over, reconnecting with the soil and deepening our roots as we go.

But back to my personal experience as a collective channeler and healer--

The psychic shift in my consciousness lately has been like sitting in never ending judgement surrounding my haircut and my business—for two to four months now. And I know, who cares right? But to a past version of me, that was such a joke. I'd rocked a pixie for the majority of my 20's and I started this business as a traveling gypsy. I was a soldier when it came to these struggles. I wasn't embarrassed. I was proud of these things.

But my business had come to almost a full stop and my personal reality was being throttled into a state of crisis. Why am I in a crisis? And why the hell am I in a crisis over my sexuality at any capacity? And my hair? Pfft. What a joke! Why am I judging myself to the point of being physically sick over a haircut I'd rocked effortlessly for a decade. Especially after moving to a city that literally glorifies and protects the LGBTQ+ community and high key hates gender roles? Why was my business being slowed to an almost full hault after this move? Why was my algorithm being fed to misogynists? Why did I feel hated and misjudged by everyone I met? How had I lost alignment with something so perfectly aligned to who I am at the core? And why am I in a crisis over fearing who I am when I don’t…care about….how I—

--wait, this is literally someone else’s crisis! I had finally come to the realization, I've been sabotaged from the inside out. How did my life become someone else’s crisis?

DARVO. Fuck.

Who made a deal with God to get him to swap our places? I'm the one whose been running up that fucking hill. Who did this? And why do I feel like fucking Elizabeth from The Dropout? I didn’t create a fake product and I wasn’t in a fake alignment. Why am I being blocked, coerced out of business, and feeling sued as if I had?

F U C K. DARVO.

This wasn't my crisis, but it had created one for me.

This was my abusers internal crisis as I grew.

THIS is the best example I can give for soul swapping, or at least an attempt at one. It felt like every relationship where I had to run for safety. Every situation where I become a puppet questioning myself. Maybe he didn’t hit me. Maybe I wasn’t “raped”. Maybe she wasn't actually lying about what happened. Maybe it was me. Maybe I had overreacted. Maybe I was just being dramatic. Maybe they hadn't hit me that hard. Maybe it was all my fault. And maybe they were right. Maybe I didn’t deserve to be alive. 

Wait, WHAT?

Exactly.

DARVO. Fuck.

But that WAS trauma bonding. And that's why I had been so careful. And that was coercive abuse. And after enough time of introspection but no correction, that became extreme reactive abuse. And that was my life blowing up for someone else to deny any accountability.

And that's how DARVO begins. You look like a fool trying to prove the things no one wants to admit you're experiencing.

I wanted to live. I wanted to be alive. I wanted to stay sober. I wanted to have short hair. I wanted to be bisexual. I wanted to be a healer. I wanted to dance. I wanted to build my career. I wanted to paint and write. And be FREE! I didn’t want to go back to that life where I died in addiction and abusive relationships. And you know what, he did hit me. And I was raped. And she did lie about what happened.

So why was I having to defend myself?

DARVO. Fuck.

Because to those who have navigated narcissistic abuse, it takes a village to pull someone out of a narrative set up to trap an empath. It takes consistent re-writing of the subconscious to resurrect yourself with neural pathways that support healthy steps when fight or flight lashes out again. And it lashes out. Oh, does it lash out, because neuroplasticity. And neuroplasticity takes time. And so does any healers path. And what if you don't have a village. What if you are supporting a fucking village? And during that time, during that interim, in that initiation, on that platform, it is a jungle and you can get lost in the madness of the thick trees, and the wild animals, and the ghouls, and the vicious wars we fight in the habitual mind, the traumatized mind, the conditioned mind.

But did I not sacrifice my ENTIRE life to save my own plot? From dying in "the devastatingly talented girl who fell into addiction and abuse" sob story. That wasn't my story, that was my lot to pay in this life. And I trudged through this mud, to resurrect my life, not end it. And not only for myself but to do it with really cool, really vibrant, really underwritten, unacknowledged, spiritual baddies who were also fighting for their resurrection too. I cam here to build a community for this very type of healing process?

So WHY was I sitting in DARVO...again?

I went back to the drawing board. Back to the process. And to be honest, something that we all forget from time to time, it's not only ok, to not be ok sometimes. It's fucking normal, and natural, and a key part of the "dark night of the soul" process, to not be ok sometimes.

Period. Can I get a fucking AMEN from the ones who know?!

So to put a cherry on top, they say, in a patriarchal society the women will struggle with the truth more than the men. And I think that’s because we’ve always been the puppet, the butt of the joke, the one with the wool pulled over our eyes, until it’s not and then it's a game, you better play that game better than he played you, mentality. Which is STILL survival ladies. And I hate that game, I want freedom, fun, liberation. I want to breathe again. I want to fucking dance through life! Not play Texas Hold 'Em, fuck.

And just to tip you off about this training, just a bit further--over the past five years, I’ve spent the majority of my time being taught by spirits and egregores, or rather "man-splained", the excuses and reasoning behind every single act of abuse. The thought pathways and behavioral mechanisms--I could write a fucking novel on that alone. Excuses for what I had survived and validation of the abuse I'd endured. The life I had fled from. And that was my psychosis, that was my kundalini awakening, that was my reality being shattered and my nervous system being thrown into a state of shock. But that was also OVER five years ago. So why was I experiencing it now?

Timeline shifts.

Energetic Alignment.

And DARVO.

This, this is the challenge of maintaining your energetic authentic alignment after healing psychological abuse. The years that I thought would be spent building a new life, were spent choking, stumbling, fuck, flailing on the reasons why people lied to me. The reasons why I was the problem, why my empathy and sensitivity were a problem, and not the answer. Sitting in a box of a reality, with my hands in my lap, listening to a novel worth of excuses and their validity in this corrupt world. The excuses I had died under, for decades, coming up like acid reflux. Suffocating on the shame I smothered myself in for every single mistake I had ever made, every single mistake they could never admit. And "that's just the way it is, some things will never change"--ain't that right, Bruce Hornsby? A line I'd quoted in a collective astrological newsletter three years ago. I was choking on it again as we collectively turned the page into this Aquarian era. But were we actually turning the page?

And now, now, I was questioning my own identity because of it. Thinking crazy things, things I knew I didn't want. Maybe I should be more conservative. Maybe I should try out corporate America after all. Maybe that dream was a lie. Maybe I was a loser and Olive, THE Little Miss Sunshine herself, you know, I hate to say it but, Grandpa does hate losers. And maybe I should give up fighting for women’s autonomy and sexual sovereignty because we're not safe in this reality or something. And maybe I should just be a bartender or maybe try out being a stripper because that's all I had become to a collective of misogynistic men on the internet.

And this is the mind of a psychological abuse victim. But who was thinking this about me in this way, because honestly, I don't think like that. Or at least, I didn't used to. I would never. I could never do those things. I hated those things. So why was I...

Fuck, DARVO. 

"That's just the way it is,

Some things will never change"

And this is how the psyche you're adamantly healing can take an insidious turn as you are developing psychic awareness. It's so important to have a process in place otherwise you can become your abusers thoughts. Because that is who would think those things for me. Because those were things I had been told before about myself.

Wake up Dré, you lost your life for this. You gave up EVERYTHING for this. Why would you give up because of collective homophobia? Because of misogyny? What else is new? But am I simply allowing abuse in my work place because I have nothing else? Because I left it behind in my real life? Is it not abuse to keep showing up for this?

Fuck. 

DARVO.

So I went back to my Journey Through the Chakras Program, because some things do change. Because sometimes you do turn a corner you can't unturn for yourself, and for the record, the lyrics in that song, do change--

"that's just the way it is,

some things will never be the same"

The lyrics do change.

So..."Speak up!", I'd hear in my head.

And so here I am, speaking up, to tell you that this IS my platform, and this IS exactly WHY I built this platform, and this IS why I built The Journey Through the Chakras Program and exactly why I’m bringing it back for a 10-week immersive workshop for women seeking transformation, accountability, and community as they grow.

Because healing, aligning and bringing your truth to the surface is just half of the equation and the other half is cohesion and resistance to the things that try to stop it and block it. This workshop is about women supporting women, it’s about healing together, it is about feeling safe in vulnerability, it is about having accountability in a safe space, it is about knowing that you’re not alone. 

So if you’re here for it, I hope you can join us October 16th, because this is my passion, my dream, my vision, my everything, and ladies, I want you to be a part of it. Besides, I made it extra affordable this time with afterpay and klarna, for the financing baddies. Are you ready to transform and maintain that transformation through turbulent times of collective crisis? 

Join us — don’t miss out on early bird pricing that ends September 30th with code CHAKRAEARLYBIRD.

***DISCLAIMER: If you are a woman who has shifted to “they/them” pronouns, you are just as welcome, but for now, my focus and my dream is about breaking down the patriarchal constructs that have deleted the identity of infinite women off the face of this planet for eons. I do not want to cause any distress to anyone who is transitioning right now or going through a turbulent time with identity and sexual orientation surrounding gender roles or pronouns. However, supporting women's healing is the focus of my work and my expertise, and as a practitioner, my work is ultimately focused around addressing the challenges surrounding women supporting women and building a safe space for womens healing work. Thank you for hearing me out and for your continued support, no matter where you or your needs land in that equation.

Thank you for those who sat through this novel of a deep talk, but I genuinely hope that this has a shed a helpful light for you, not only when it comes to understanding what you've experienced with my work and platform, but your own experiences on your path. Love to all and I hope to see you in class in October!